“Don’t turn away. Keep your gaze on the bandaged place. That’s where the light enters you.”
~ Rumi

Why are we so afraid of our emotions? As Amanda White puts it in her interview with Laura McKowan, it is because they are unpredictable, occur outside of our control, and are sometimes painful. As humans, we are wired to avoid pain so it makes sense that our initial impulse isn’t to lean in. But emotions are also our rewards and guides. In denying or ignoring them, we miss out on important data that helps direct our behavior.

In truth, emotions are not the problem – though our reactions to them often are. We may judge our emotions that arise, muddying the waters about what it is we are feeling and adding an additional layer of suffering. For example, we may feel shame in response to feeling jealous of our friend. Or we might feel angry at ourselves for being sad. These are sometimes referred to as secondary emotions and as I mentioned, they obscure clarity about our primary emotion.

Another reaction we may have is to catastrophize our feelings, believing we will feel this way forever, that they are interminable. We often don’t want the unpleasant feelings so we may numb them or avoid them through distraction. We escape into video games, substances, shopping, sex, or something else to hold our attention away.

It can feel scary to be hit with a tidal wave of grief, a pang of longing, or a hot flash of anger, but here is the good news: emotions DON’T last forever. Most of us don’t know this because a) we haven’t been taught this and b) we haven’t lingered in our more difficult emotions long enough to experience the inevitable rise and fall. However, we do on some level know this because if we have ever tried to hold onto a desirable emotion, like joy, it too follows this pattern. This itself can lead to a negative reaction Brene Brown calls foreboding joy where we jump to anxiety about the unavoidable recession of joy. More on how to deal with that below.

With many emotions, if we let ourselves feel them, receive the messages they contain, they will arise, peak, and fall away.

There may be more waves behind the initial one, but by meeting them we will have the confidence to know they too will pass through. Paradoxically, the more open we are to having them, the quicker they resolve. On the other hand, the quip goes “If you don’t want it, then you’re stuck with it.” Have you had that experience where you try to extinguish an emotion (or physical sensation) and it makes it stickier or amplifies it?

So wait, there’s hidden messages in our emotions? YES. Dr. Steven Hayes offers a useful metaphor in which he depicts our emotions as gauges on a dashboard. The arrival of an emotion functions like a warning light telling us something is happening. I like this metaphor because it reminds us that we are purposeful, task-oriented beings: we each are driving our car down the road, ideally in the direction of our values. Emotions happen to us while we are “driving,” and we can’t always pull over immediately when the check engine light comes on – we might be right in the middle of our morning commute to work, a phone call with a relative, or a presentation to executives. But we can follow up at the next opportunity.

Emotions may send the following signals to us: “Fear might show us that danger is up ahead, and we better prepare ourselves. Loneliness might urge us to prioritize close relationships. Grief might open us up to what is important and meaningful to us, while calling out for social connection and support” (Dr. Hayes). Anger may signal our boundaries have been crossed or an injustice has arisen. These signals can alert us to the fact that something or someone matters to us, an action to protect ourselves, the need to set or re-assert boundaries.

Sometimes, if we have ignored the signal for too long, the inevitable will happen - the car will break down. This is why it is important to note the difference between deferring versus ignoring or denying our feelings. Deferring means we come back to them at the soonest opportunity to investigate the feelings. Whereas ignoring/denying becomes a chronic avoidance of these important messengers. As I mentioned, they may get louder initially to try to get our attention. For example, the emotions may get more intense, or our body may manifest physical symptoms to send additional signals.

“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf”

~Jon Kabat-Zinn

So how do we mitigate this? What can we do instead? We can face our emotions head on. This looks like paying attention and listening. It means getting curious. It might even mean saying to our emotions “I hear you.” Know this, we DO NOT have to like it. We do not have to like feeling grief, sadness, anger, disgust, jealousy, fear. But we can say to our emotions “I see you and I care about your message.” Some of you are familiar with the RAIN approach to emotions where we:

Recognize what is happening
1. For example, I notice “My heart is racing and I feel dread;” or “I feel hurt like I’ve been kicked in the stomach;” or “Oof, that dark cloud has descended on me again”
Allow the experience to be there, just as it is, without judging it
Investigate with interest and care, the way you would if a friend were sharing their feelings
1. What does this situation remind me of? Exactly what am I feeling in my body, and where? Is there a name for this? Have I felt it before? What does this feeling suggest I need or should attend to?
Nurture with self-compassion, the way you would a friend
1. You might validate yourself (e.g., “It makes sense I feel this way”)
2. Or express a commitment to be kind and gentle with yourself in the presence of painful emotions

A personal example: I occasionally get intrusive thoughts about something terrible happening to my Australian Shepherd who is my best companion. In these moments when the thoughts trigger fear, anxiety, dread and a racing heart, I say to myself “It makes sense you feel this way, these emotions signal a deep loving attachment and bond.” I will even place my hand over my heart briefly to confirm this validation with a gesture. The old me would have probably said to my anxiety “Oh for goodness sakes, that’s never going to happen. What a stupid thought. STOP!” If you have done the same, I implore you to question how the strategy is working. Does that actually make the anxiety go away in the long run? Would you say those words to a loved one? For those that are new to self-compassion, this can be a big leap as we’re more comfortable in a self-critical space. If this is true for you, begin with the help of a trusted therapist to practice.