Finding Freedom from the Inner Critic
Meet your inner critic (IC). The IC is that ruthless voice in your mind that points out all your flaws and brings up reasons why you shouldn’t do certain things because you might look stupid or fail. Sound familiar?
The IC is:
critical
cautious
shaming
all-or-none
problem-focused
fixated on a lack or scarcity mindset
minimizing of progress and achievements
focused on making you think everyone is evaluating you negatively
repetitive, and circular
We all have an IC as it is something we learn along the way. I like to use the metaphor of Passengers on the Bus. At some point in your life, your IC became one of your passengers. They boarded and took a seat. Unfortunately, you can’t simply kick them off, you’ve probably tried that already. But there are other ways to manage this unruly passenger.
Let’s first talk about why we have one. The function of the inner critic is to protect you from perceived threats like failure, rejection, and embarrassment. In primitive times (keyword: primitive) this may have prevented us from getting kicked out of the tribe which would have led to sudden death. Anything linked that strongly to survival is sure to endure in our lineage even though there is such low risk for this feared outcome in today’s world. This helps explain why we many of us are sensitive to ridicule and rejection which can reach phobic levels as in the clinical diagnosis of social phobia (also called social anxiety disorder). It also explains why our minds so frequently engage in comparing ourselves to those around us. Essentially the mind is checking to make sure we were not at the bottom of the pecking order as a survival mechanism.
In addition to these evolutionary roots of our IC, many people think and are taught that criticism is the best motivational strategy. If this feels familiar, take a moment to ask yourself how it is working for you. Does an inner bully really coach you to wins? Or does the bully get you down, sometimes getting you to give up or avoid challenges linked to meaning in your life? Or do you succeed in spite of the bully only to share a brief reprieve from the criticism during the success? It is common for the IC to minimize our achievements (e.g., “I only barely pulled that work project off and it was because so-an-so stepped in,” “I threw a great party but not enough people showed up”) or focus on one detail at the expense of others (e.g., “I made a beautiful meal but I snapped at my kids. I’m a terrible parent”). The IC is also quick to move onto the next challenge (e.g., “Sure you got promoted…so did Steve, what’s next?”). Research shows that constant self-criticism perpetuates self-doubt and undermines our success in the long run. Eventually we start to believe the bully and if we’re going to screw up anyway, why try? We may find ourselves procrastinating or avoiding activities all together.
Costs of listening to our inner critic include exhaustion, low morale, self-doubt, helplessness, despair, giving up, living apart from our values (or in other words not doing the things that bring us meaning like taking on challenges, dating, or trying a new hobby or skill). Ask yourself now, “Do I want to allow doubt, fear, and shame to guide my life?” If the answer is “NO,” lets discuss how to deal with the IC.
The best way to manage your inner critic is to first notice when and where they show up. I even ask my patients to give their IC a name. This personification is an act of externalizing – recognizing it as a part of us rather than US. Next, I coach my clients to treat their IC with kindness and firmness. Kindness may sound counter-intuitive but if you’ve tried to ignore or suppress your IC, you will notice it only gets louder. Instead say to your IC: “I see you, you’re part of me, I get what you’re trying to do here (I thank you for trying to protect me) and you’re not my ruler.”
In acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), we call this defusion, as in we are breaking the spell of this thinking pattern. When we are fused our behaviors are rigid, arise from a narrow repertoire, and usually pointed away from our values or what matters to us in life. When we are de-fused, we are flexible and free to choose based on our values. We may still have anxieties or doubts, but we are able to see alternative behavioral paths and take them.
Back to our passengers on the bus metaphor: we can hear the IC’s monologue from the back of the bus, but we are no longer willing to do what they say (e.g., pull the bus over and give up or stop movement towards our goals) or spend our precious life energy wrangling with them. Instead, we keep our eyes pointed ahead towards the sunrise on the beautiful mountain and keep driving in spite of their mumbling (or screeching).
Many people are afraid that if they lose the critic, they will lose their ability to succeed. We mistakenly attribute credit for our achievements to the IC. An alternative is to realize that our values drive us. Our values (e.g., connection, love, passion, purpose, contribution) are innate and inalienable. It turns out they are a much more sustainable source of fuel for our goals than the IC.
One way of looking at our minds is that they are made up of a vast committee of voices.
Perhaps sometimes you do hear a cheerleader in there, but chances are the IC has been hogging the stage for a long time. We’re not going to get rid of them but we can let other parts of ourselves step forward. Let your inner ally, the voice of self-compassion, or your wise mind take the stage.
Exercise 1: For one whole day, write down everything your inner critic says to you. When you read the list at the end of the day, consider whether you would say those things to your best friend, spouse, or niece.
Exercise 2: Test how self-compassionate you are on Dr. Neff’s website: https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-test/
Exercise 3: Start to consult your committee – let other parts of you weigh in and allow a bigger self to guide your actions and decisions
Exercise 4: Develop your self-compassion practice through mindfulness, meditation, or the help of a trusted therapist. It is normal to think self-compassion feels “cheesy” in the beginning because you are used to the bully. Stay open, give it time. I often tell my clients, “You can go back to the inner critic in 3 months, but let’s do an experiment and just see what your life is like when the IC is not in the driver’s seat.” You decide, based on your experience and the results, what works best for you.
Dr. Kristin Need is a researcher in the area of self-compassion and has written several books that many of my patients have found useful. Her latest is called Fierce Self-Compassion. Also, thanks to her we have a library of compassion focused resources available: https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#exercises. My favorite is the Self-Compassion Break, a 5-minute mindfulness practice that is extremely useful for when we are feeling intense negative emotions or being hard on ourselves.
For a short ACT video explaining passengers on the bus: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z29ptSuoWRc
Thanks for reading. May you be well,
Credit goes to Matthias Wagner on Unsplash for stage photo and Marius Matuschzik on Unsplash for bus stop photo.