Good Grief - Part II

Being able to orient where you are in the grief process can be beneficial. You may be familiar with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ Five Stages of Grief model. What you may not know, is that the model was actually created for the dying. With this caveat in mind, we can still borrow useful information for charting our own course through grief. Bear in mind that not everyone experiences each of the stages and they are rarely linear or sequential. As Dr. Huberman says, “the contour of the grief process has more variation and dimension than this model suggests.”

Watercolor by Alisa Burpee

If I had to paint grief, this is what it would look like.

It is likely that at some point in the grieving process (or multiple times), you will experience:

 Denial (also referred to as shock and disbelief)

• Life makes no sense

• You may feel numb

• This is nature’s way of pacing your feelings of grief

Anger

• Though many of us are uncomfortable with anger, anger is necessary

• It is natural to feel abandoned and angry at the person who died, those involved, and even your higher power  

• Anger may be directed at yourself for perceived missteps and regrets

• Often under the anger is hurt which you will process in time

• It is important to normalize and validate your anger

• Anger is useful as a bridge back to life energy

  • The opportunity here is to recognize the gift of anger as an anchor to life in its activating qualities. It is a pathway back from feeling numb, depressed, hopeless, and lost.

Bargaining

• You will attempt to undo the new reality and question the reason for it

• This is often characterized by “undoing” thoughts focused on the past such as “If I only would have done X…. then, they’d still be here” and “What ifs” (e.g., “What if I had spent more time with them?” “What if I had checked on them the day before?” “What if they hadn’t driven home that night?”)

• This is the urge to go back in time and rewrite the outcome; this is also known as counterfactual thinking

• This process often causes us to locate blame within ourselves

• We may even bargain with the pain of loss (e.g., “I will do anything not to feel this”)

Depression

• Our focus turns to the present and our feelings of emptiness at not having that person, pet, or thing in our lives.

• Depression is a normal response to the pain of a loss and will not last forever even though it may feel interminable.

Acceptance

• We accept the reality of what occurred.

  • This is not a one-time decision. It is like forgiveness in that it is an ongoing process. There may be aspects of the loss you are willing to accept and others you are not yet ready to accept. You may feel accepting one day and rage and resistance to the reality the next.

• We learn to make a life worth living; finding meaning in our lives even though the loved one no longer occupies our life physically.

• This doesn’t mean we agree with or condone what happened.

• It doesn't even mean we are “okay” or “fine” – it is learning to live with the new reality.

Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado, Unsplash

Later on as we start to heal, we may condemn the feeling of “okay.” First make sure the feeling “okay” is genuine and not denial. Many question if feeling okay, experiencing joy or laughter, is dishonoring the lost one. Consider this: your ongoing pain will not bring them back or make them feel better. The best thing you can do to honor you loved one is to continue to live with meaning in this one and precious life. Consider what actions would make them proud or ways you can remain connected with them through your living.

Don’t forget that these “stages” are descriptive rather than prescriptive. In other words, you don’t need to move through each of these in a linear fashion to heal. You will likely experience some of the states at the same time and go back and forth between states. Also, there is something inherently protective about each state, so there is no need to condemn where you are in your process of grief.

The goal of grief, and what a competent therapist can help you do, is to accept the reality of the loss while preserving your connection to the person you lost. You may need help holding onto hope while you rebuild a meaningful life without your person.

References:

Tyrrell P, Harberger S, Schoo C, et al. Kubler-Ross Stages of Dying and Subsequent Models of Grief. [Updated 2022 Nov 19]. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2022 Jan-. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK507885/