Good Grief - Part I
Let’s start with definitions. What is grief?
According to the online etymology dictionary, grief is defined by:
· mental pain and sorrow
· hardship, suffering, pain, bodily affliction
· injustice, misfortune, calamity
The old English roots of loss signify:
· ruin, destruction
· cut apart, dissolution
· failure to hold, keep, or preserve what was once in one’s possession
According to Dr. Andrew Huberman, grief is not simply an emotion, but a motivational process that involves desire.
Imagine an intense thirst on a hot day. There is a cool glass of water set in front of you. But every time you reach for it, it shifts just outside of your reach.
FMRI studies show that grief, in addition to being a state of pain, is associated with areas of the brain that involve motivation, craving, pursuit, yearning, and desire. Part of the pain of loss is this pursuit, the attempt to resolve that craving. And ultimately the dissatisfaction of not being able to.
How intense grief feels and how long it lasts scales with how close we were with the person who died. Complicated grief is a condition which occurs in 1 out 10 people where grief does not resolve after a prolonged period of time.
The symptoms of grief are:
Emotional
Anguish, sorrow, sadness, desperation, and numbing are all normal emotional responses to loss
Not everyone cries - they may favor a different category or form of expression. So, there’s no reason to question yourself or a family member if tears are lacking.
Anger is a very common and natural emotion, though many of us fear it or find it very uncomfortable. Most women are taught that anger is not feminine so may find it more difficult to deal with anger than men.
With all emotions, curiosity is the best starting place. You might start by identifying the direction of the anger. Ask “Who am I angry at?” It is likely that there is more than one target of anger. For example, you may find you are angry at those you believe should’ve behaved differently (e.g., medical system or government). You might even be angry at yourself.
It can also be useful to ask, “What is underneath my anger?” There is often another emotion like hurt or fear.
More on anger in Part II of this series.
Cognitive
It is normal to experience alterations in mental processes such as brain fog, missing things, word finding difficulty, and making more mistakes than usual.
With the loss of a loved one, we will have a rich catalog of experiences with this person. The fact that these memories and the emotional connection persist in their absence is both painful and beautiful.
We also possess a cognitive map in our brain of when/where “to find” this person: the ability to predict when we will hear from them, how long it would take to contact or see them.
This is the part of the brain that needs to re-organize in the wake of loss. This takes time and effort.
Grief is the process of preserving the memory and emotional connection while unbraiding our understanding of where the person is in time and space. Dr. Huberman says “We must uncouple closeness from space and time.”
Resist the urge to engage in counterfactual thinking. Counterfactual thinking is believing you (or someone else) could have or should have done something differently. This is usually wishful thinking that a different action would have led to a different outcome avoiding the loss. More on this in Part II under Bargaining.
Physical
It may surprise us to know there are actual physical components to grief such as:
Dry lips
Abdominal symptoms such as bloating
Physical pain
Interpersonal
Our social tendencies and needs will change and we may experience:
Withdrawal
Distancing
Feeling misunderstood or alone
Spiritual
Anger may be directed towards your higher power
There may be a complete loss of spirituality
A moral injury occurs when we are pressured to engage in actions that go against our morals. This is a common feature of war veterans where dissonance between actions and personal ethics causes emotional injury.
Behavioral
First the falter:
Initially in the wake of a loss, you will not function well. It is typical to not be able to meet deadlines, need to cancel events, and be unable to nurture friendships. Also the outside may not match the inside – others may think you are functioning well when you are quick sand on the inside. Some may pour themselves into work and productivity to cope yet feel a searing hot pain, leaden weights, or numbness on the interior.
You may question “why go on?” Now is a time to work with someone who can help you feel your feelings and re-connect to meaning in life.
Pushing emotions down and away is akin to holding a beach ball under water – it may “work” for a short time but eventually that beach ball is going to erupt through the surface and may hit you in the face. Not to mention how much energy it takes to keep a beachball underwater.
You don’t have a say in how you’re functioning at this time. It takes time to return to a level of functioning you are used to. Bear in mind that a flourish follows a falter. But also that the only way out is through. We cannot get back to thriving by simply numbing or ignoring out pain.
Unexpressed grief will compound future losses – which is why sometimes the weight of a loss will catch us off guard. If this is the case, consider which losses have not yet been processed and be kind to yourself about this.
Resources:
Ologies Podcast, Thanatology Death Grief & Mourning
Photo credits (in order): Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash, Photo by Nicolas Ruiz on Unsplash, Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash