Mistakes Were Made
(And it was okay)- An exploration of failure
Yesterday morning marked our second day of puppy training classes. We ambitiously decided we’d take our puppy, Rey, with us to our CrossFit class leaving her with a delectable treat or toy, complete our workout, and then rush off to training. Rey has a sensitive stomach and is prone to stomach upset so we have been absolutely diligent about what we feed her. I grabbed what I thought was a non-chewable Nylabone from her bin. We arrived at our gym, left her with her bone, high fiving and thinking “We’ve got this!” Twenty minutes later, my husband checked on her and noticed that the bone was gone. The non-edible bone had disappeared down Rey’s throat. Panic set in thinking of the possible catastrophes we were in for. I looked at my husband and said, “I think I made a mistake.”
Many of us experience failure as extremely unpleasant, something to be avoided at all costs. But like how we treat ambiguity (see prior blog post), avoiding mistakes and failure can create considerable suffering:
· We can avoid trying things we believe we won’t succeed at (such as blogging, attempting a new exercise, taking on a new project at work, trying a new hobby)
· It can shrink our lives, prohibiting us from the very experiences that test and debunk these beliefs and allow us to build confidence in ourselves
· We chastise and berate ourselves when mistakes are inevitably made
· We experience shame, feeling small and inferior, in comparison to others who we perceive “have it all together”
So, might it behoove us to consider some alternative perspectives on failure? It is typical in our society to measure ourselves in specific and tangible ways (e.g., IQ, grades, GPA, SAT scores, GRE scores, number of likes on our Facebook post). But recently, athletic coaches and college graduation speakers have referenced a different kind of measurement that turns our usual ways of evaluating ourselves inside out. The F.Q. or “failure quotient” defines how many times we continue to try after a set-back or failure. In other words, our tolerance for failure. It may seem counterintuitive but an individual’s F.Q. (the more willing one is to fail) has been linked with people of accomplishment and has been discussed as a key determinant to success. For example, it took Thomas Edison thousands of tries to invent a working lightbulb which makes us wonder what might have happened if he had given up on the 999th try. Clearly, his tolerance for failure propelled him to one of the most useful inventions of his time.
Baseball players are intimate with the failure quotient. “As a hitter, to master the game of baseball means to have success just thirty percent of the time” says coach Logan Gelbrich. Let’s break this down – this means baseball players fail more times than they succeed. And yet are they failures? Of course not. They are highly admired athletes who are paid handsomely for their skills at the professional level. Coach Gelbrich says “to be good one must endure thousands and thousands of seemingly negative experiences to make progress in the sport… Masters of the game of baseball have a characteristic that masters of the game of life often share. They are process oriented and ferocious in their preparation, but they waste no time with that which they cannot control.” To endure setbacks with an acceptance of their place in the process whether it be playing a sport, raising a child, or building a business can be not only beneficial but crucial to well-being.
The common theme here is that embracing failure rather than running from it is key to success. Dr. Michael Norwood’s article on the failure quotient encourages us to approach the next life challenge in a different way by making a list numbered 1 to 100. Then set out to do your goal or task, and when the first obstacle arises (e.g., rejection, disappointment, setback) put a check mark next to number 1. When the second one arises, put a check mark next to number 2 and so on. He emphasizes that the most important aspect is how you set up your expectations and to expect it may take 100 attempts to accomplish your goal. This is not meant to be a pessimistic approach. Rather, it acknowledges that it may take a number of tries to find the right strategy, attract the right audience, or get someone to accept your request. And by recognizing this ahead of time, it assists one to perceive setbacks in a way that is helpful rather than hindering. It cultivates a mindset of unstoppability and willingness to bear the painful aspects of a larger more rewarding process - the rewards of which may not be realized if one is not willing to ride out the setbacks.
I was worried my mistake with Rey could cause irreparable damage. It turns out we’ve made tons of mistakes (that we could deem failures) in raising her and yet none caused irreparable harm. And it turns out that embracing the process (of dog-parenting), mistakes and all, makes it much more joyful and rewarding. Who would you be if you knew you might experience failure, but it didn’t have to define you or hold you back?
Stay tuned for Part II that will focus specifically on how to relate mindfully to failure.
Links for further reading/listening:
https://www.npr.org/programs/ted-radio-hour/487606750/failure-is-an-option
http://topachievement.com/michaelnorwood.html